Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.