Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Still my favourite meme.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?