*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
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Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Ovenable?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich