Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
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bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.