Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
You Might Also Like
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.