Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
When they try to steal your moment.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
*limbos under the caution tape
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do