If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My therapist after every session
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.