[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.