[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
You Might Also Like
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Close call…
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.