I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Bruh PLEASE
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.