[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
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I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Ovenable?
Good point.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
He died doing what he loved: being alive
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.