Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
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Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.