Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
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A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager