Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
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Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me