10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
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[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Traveler’s camo
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.