I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol