I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.