I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Warm pools make me nervous.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.