I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner