Ok, but like, how married are you?
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.