I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.