*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
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Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
*limbos away from your hug*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..