[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
pelicons
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…