me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
#Caturday
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.