My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
me after eating Cheetos
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever