I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Who does Amazon think I am?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.