yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“What movie?” 🤔
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.