How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”