If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
craving $300 all of a sudden
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl