I think I’m having a stroke
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
respect
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.