Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
A French press is when you hug naked
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.