See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Basketball
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead