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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
ok hear me out: Luigiana
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.