Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.