If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
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We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Childbirth is so beautiful
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
#Thanos #MondayMood
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
*feels the wind in my toe hair