The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
You Might Also Like
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My inexpensive home security system…
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My Guy
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
plums roundup
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.