Running from your problems is cardio .
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ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Rather alarming headline…
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes