peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?