Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes