It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
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walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Wait a minute
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…