[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
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Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.