Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
won’t smith
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
plant them where lol
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you