me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
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Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Mission: Impossible
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…