*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have