cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
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A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Okay me first
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Just got to our Airbnb!
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.