I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
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[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Note to self: always read the final line
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Miscakes
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.