me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I’m not stressed
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby