A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.