No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you