I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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The opposite of goth is stopth.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Storm Tropical Storm